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May 1999

Mad Monks report on cities' souls

The Monks' books go further than most guide books, offering irreverent essays on cities and their people and interviews with some of the more interesting residents. In the soon-to-be-released book on California, Crotty's essay on Los Angeles describes the sprawling metropolis as "The land of riots, smog, gangs, congestion, ethnic rivalry, poor city planning, tabloid murder, surgically enhanced (or disfigured) celebrities, and of course police brutality. Los Angeles is America's demon nightmare city." In true "Mad Monk" fashion, Crotty gave Reuters an interview while leading a correspondent on a whirlwind tour through the dilapidated downtown area of the City of Angels. His abbreviated tour included the futuristic Victorian-era Bradbury Building, revered for a century as one of the finest examples of American interior architecture and, according to Crotty, home to the shop where O.J. Simpson bought "the knife" -- i.e. the weapon that police, at one point, believed was used to kill his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. The knife was never found. From there it went to a downtown market where lunch can still be had for the odd sum of $2.03 before climbing a hill on the Angel's Flight, the world's shortest railroad, separating downtown L.A's ethnic squalor from gleaming glass skyscrapers. Then it was back in the car for a quick stop at the Los Angeles Gun Club, where you can pump metal into targets during your lunch hour using rented state-of the-art firearms or six-shooters of the Wild West variety. On the way, Crotty repeatedly hollered out his car window at Angeleno pedestrians, "Do you know where the Metro Rail is?" No one seemed to know the answer, which was Crotty's point.

"The subway here is like an amusement ride. Where are the people? Where are the rats?" Crotty asked with a laugh. "The last time I was down there there were more people shooting commercials than passengers." Other "tourist" spots to be listed in the upcoming book include Bischoff's Taxidermy in Burbank. It will "immortalize your Costa Rican tiger," if you want, but these days it makes most of its income from renting stuffed beasts to Hollywood. "The unimposing warehouse is not open to the public, but you can pass yourself off as a prop manager and gain easy entrance," according to the book. Crotty, or Jim Monk as he calls himself, spent the years after leaving college on a New Age spiritual tour of the United States that included, among other things, a stint as assistant to a Tibetan Lama living in New York's Harlem. But his strange journey began in earnest on April Fools Day, 1985, when he met Lane, whom he describes as the "quintessential 1960s hippie." Despite being a self-professed "straight white male," Crotty fell in love with Lane and the two have lived and worked together ever since. "I tried to be his homosexual lover but I failed at that," Crotty said of his relationship with his fellow Mad Monk. "I'll try anything once, I suppose."

In 1986, sick of being slaves to their appointment books, the pair sold everything and moved from San Francisco to Eugene, Oregon, in search of a more organic lifestyle. After working as gardeners for a few months, they bought a Winnebago recreational vehicle, dubbed it the Monkmobile and, with their two cats, hit the road, where they have remained for 13 years. With no obvious way of making money, they began to cobble together Monk magazine, a hodgepodge of New Age spiritualism, holistic medicine and travel scribblings. The magazine was initially offered to friends. Those willing to pay $100 were given a lifetime subscription, while $50 secured a subscription and a piece of a wool sweater. Slowly the magazine, which Crotty claims was the pioneer in the field of "dashboard publishing," mutated into a travel periodical charting the Monks' experiences. Crotty worked the phones (public pay phones) and became a dab hand at selling advertising as the magazine gained a nationwide cult following and built a subscription base of almost 40,000 readers. After 13 years on the road, Crotty and Lane have written several books, together and separately, including Crotty's "How to Speak America," released to shining reviews last year. The Monks also work as roving travel writers for Playboy online. After 13 years on the road there is not much in America they have not seen, but that does not mean they are going to stop moving. Asked what was next on his agenda, Crotty rubbed his hands with glee and spoke with a sparkle in his eye about his plans to conquer England as "the ugly American."

Members only at Iceland phallological museum

On the wall is an official letter from 83-year-old Pall Arason, who describes himself as "a worthy disciple of Don Juan" and who has promised his organ to the museum on his death. Arason, a pioneer of the tourist industry on the sparsely inhabited island, where he is a noted womaniser, now lives in retirement on his farm of Bugur in northern Iceland, but has already been awarded the title of honorary member of the museum. Two local doctors are on standby for his demise -- if they can get to him while he is still warm they will be able to exhibit his penis erect, Hjartarson says.

Not surprisingly, the longest exhibit is that of a blue whale, the world's biggest living creature, although like most of the whale specimens, only the tip is present. Nevertheless, about one third of a blue whale penis measures about one metre (39 inches) and weighs 36 kilos (80 lb). A full specimen would have been about three metres (10 feet). The largest in terms of girth is the sperm whale phallus. Again, only the tip, about 40 percent of the full organ, is present, but it weighs in at 57 kilos (120 lb). The smallest is the penis of a field mouse. Unfortunately, most of the whale organs were not scientifically prepared, which is why only the tips are exhibited. Most were retrieved from stranded whales. When a whale dies part of its penis dangles out of its body, but the base is still held inside. Nevertheless, even the tips of these huge mammals can cause difficulties. "The problem with big pieces is I can't get big bottles," Hjartarson said. Now he uses plexiglass cylinders, sealed off at the end.

The idea for the museum gradually unfolded in 1987, when Hjartarson was a headmaster in the fishing town of Akranes in western Iceland. Some of his teachers worked part-time at the local whaling station, and brought him sample penises. "Then the idea developed that it might be interesting to get specimens from all of the Icelandic mammals," he said. The museum finally opened in August 1997, with a 200,000 Icelandic crown ($2,700) grant from Reykjavik city council, in which a feminist party is part of the ruling coalition. Either because of, or despite, the feminists, the grant was approved, as the city is keen to develop tourism. Hjartarson, 57, says he has had 3,000 visitors in the 21 months since the museum opened, and the main revenue is the 300 crown ($4.00) entrance fee.

There is also a wide range of shiny wooden phallic keyrings, salt and pepper pots, lavatory roll holders and the like, all carved by Hjartarson, but sales are not significant. "I'm almost breaking even. I haven't got back my investment but I'll try another summer," he said. So the museum is mainly a hobby, he says. "What I like most is seeing the reaction of people...Some people think I'm a little crazy or queer, but I don't mind." Neither the school where he now teaches in Reykjavik, nor the parents of his pupils have criticised his endeavour.

Some scientists come to inspect the collection. It is also popular with groups of women. On a recent Saturday afternoon two Icelandic youths were looking round, followed by a party of Hawaiian tourists. "Foreigners come more out of curiosity, because this is unique in the world, Hjartarson said. "But what I'm trying to do is to present a serious collection, like any other collection." Hjartarson, a specialist in Latin American history, has led an eventful life, living in Scotland, Sweden, Spain and Mexico. His wife of 40 years -- they have four children and seven grandchildren -- fully supports him in the project, he says.

The oldest exhibit dates from 1974 and is a tanned bull's penis, traditionally used as a whip on Icelandic farms, where every bit of an animal was put to use. The strangest is probably a horse penis, smoked in memory of one Jonas Halldorsson, who lived from 1853 to 1931, and was a well-known gourmet who enjoyed a bit of smoked horse penis now and then. Traditional Icelandic delicacies range from putrefied shark to boiled sheep's head, so a taste for smoked horse penis seems quite understandable.

Austin Powers sequel title goes local in Singapore

'Diff'rent Strokes' actress dies of apparent overdose

Plato and her fiance, 28-year-old Robert Menchaca, were on their way to Los Angeles when they stopped in Moore, a suburb of Oklahoma City which was hit hard in tornadoes last week. Half of the town's 15,000 homes in the town were destroyed or badly damaged in the twisters which killed 41 people in Oklahoma. Plato played Kimberly Drummond during the show's run from 1978 to 1984. Like her young co-stars Gary Coleman, who played Arnold, and Todd Bridges, who played Willis, she ran into trouble after the show's cancellation. In 1991, she was handed five years probation after being arrested for robbing a Las Vegas video store. She was given another five years' in 1992 for forging Valium prescriptions.

In her last interview, Plato appeared on the Howard Stern radio show on Friday to try to revive her career. She said that she had been sober and off drugs for 10 years, but said she had been taking painkillers for lingering pain after having her wisdom teeth removed more than three months ago. In response to a call from a listener who accused her of still abusing drugs, she offered to take a drug test. Saying she was getting her life back on track, Plato said she hoped to land more acting roles after appearing in several "B" movies. Plato also modelled for Playboy magazine and Victoria's Secret lingerie catalog. Plato's fellow actors on "Diff'rent Strokes" also ran into trouble with the law. Coleman, 30, who now works as a security guard, was fined and given a suspended jail sentence in February for punching a woman who asked for his autograph. Plato is survived by her 14-year-old son, Tyler, from an earlier marriage.

New Colombian condom to help quick, safe sex

Flock of mystery balloons puzzles Japan police

US attorney sues to enter "lawyer-free" community

Liebaert, who with his wife had already picked out the carpet and tile colors for their new, $149,600 Fairway Oaks home when the deal was canceled, said that discrimination was discrimination and should be fought. "I think that is repugnant to the American brand of freedom," he told the Chronicle. "Who is next? Maybe they are afraid if they sell to a police officer that a crime would be exposed." California officials said Liebaert's case, which began on Wednesday before a Kern County Superior Court judge, was taking the law into uncharted waters. "As far as I know, there is no case law deciding this one way or another," Ann Noel of the state's Fair Employment and Housing Commission told the newspaper.

Ancient salami puts 200 refugees in hospital

Chinese baby survives high-speed train fall

Ex-Marine is Pa. town's "Naked Bandit"

Police hunt "very ugly woman" for Arizona crimes

Animals in Trinidad dressed to steal

Mars Attacks...

Weekly sex may prevent colds and flu - study

To prove the benefits of healthy but not overactive sex life, Charnetski and his colleague Frank Brennan measured levels of IgA in the saliva of 111 college students and questioned them about how often they had had sex in the previous month. Students who had sex less than once a week had a small increase in the antigen compared to pupils who were celibate. Those who had sex once or twice a week had a 30 percent rise in IgA. Ironically the more sexually active people had lower levels of the compound than students who had not had sex. "My feeling is that the people in the very-frequent-sex group may be in obsessive or poor relationships that are causing them a lot of anxiety," said Charnetski. "We know that stress and anxiety make IgA go down."

Taqueria's free lunch bill could come to $5.8 mln

Martha Sanchez, the restaurant owner's granddaughter, came up with logo idea believing no one would submit to the tattooer's needle simply for a lifetime of free lunches. But as more and more tattooed people began arriving at the restaurant, she started to do the math -- figuring that feeding 40 young people with free, $8 lunches for 50 years could end up costing more than $5.8 million. The Sanchez family has vowed not to renege on the free lunch offer, but is now beginning to interview potential tattoo candidates to weed out any that look "too hungry". They also said that, over time, even the biggest burrito addicts may think twice before arriving to collect their heavy daily meal. "You'd get sick of this food if you ate it for 50 years," a hopeful Martha Sanchez told the Chronicle.

Las Vegas casino erects Lenin statue, axes head

The Lenin statue, a monument to Soviet realism, stands with one hand outreached and the other clutching a worker's cap just outside the Red Square vodka and caviar restaurant in the hotel's restaurant row. The Miami, Fla.-based China Grill group, which owns Red Square, decided to erect the statue in the walkway outside the restaurant in order to attract patrons inside. Officials at casino giant Circus Circus Enterprises Inc., which built the $1 billion Mandalay Bay, were initially happy with the statue which follows a trend in Las Vegas toward large, garish renderings of historical landmarks. After all, just up the street Park Place Entertainment Inc. is getting ready to open a $750 million resort that's a near perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. And two weeks from now billionaire Sheldon Adelson will open a $1.3 billion Italian-themed resort called The Venetian, complete with a real moat, real gondolas with singing gondoliers.

But Lenin was not well received. Patrons, insulted by the Communist symbol, were likening it to a statue of Hitler or Mussolini. Most of the complaints were coming from U.S. service men and women, Circus Circus spokeswoman Sarah Ralston said. The story does not end there. Lenin's 250-pound (113 kg) head is now missing. Management, one night late last month, chopped it off, on orders of Circus Circus Chief Executive Glenn Schaeffer, Ralston said. Schaeffer also ordered that the decapitated statue be splattered with white paint made to look like bird droppings, she added. "We debated how to deal with the issue. There were several options. One was riding it out, hoping people would appreciate the irony of it, the other was removing it," Ralston said.

After careful research, Circus Circus chose to alter the gypsum-and-plaster statue, which was relatively inexpensive to build because it was faux. "We ran an extensive search of news clips on what happened in the Eastern bloc to the (real) Lenin statues" after the fall of Communism, Ralston said. "In many cases townships had neither resources nor manpower to physically remove these statues that in many cases weighed hundreds of tons. What they did was lop the head off. It makes the point. If there's any confusion about the symbolism, that now goes away." The hotel plans to turn the severed Lenin head into a table inside the Red Square vodka bar and restaurant, Ralston said.

KLM apologises for squirrel slaughter